"Yo! What huge fun to be at this totally happening rave.
The songs are a wee bit fast for me, I must admit. Shall I get
you a beer - or are you already high on Ecstasy?"
- Oh dear. Nobody talks about raves these days. If you're not
at a club or a tribal gathering, you're at a big party.
- You dance to tracks or choons. These are slammin', stormin',
or monstah. If not to your taste they are a load of old pony
or arse.
- Stimulant of choice is still E or pills. Purchase some from
the dodgy looking geezer in the corner with the long queue in
front of him.
- If you'd rather not spend the whole night talking crap and
loving everyone, fake it by grinning inanely and waving a large
bottle of Evian.
You must:
- If female wear as little as possible. Fluffy bikinis, tiny
T-shirts, satin shorts, stilletos and an all-over sunbed tan
- dress like a tart, basically.
- If male sport a trimmed goatee (check MTV afternoon phone-in
progs for style); surf gear (Stussy); Kangol hat; fashionable
brand of trainers. (These last change weekly, so check with
your friendly neighbourhood mugger what's hot.)
- have a thorough awareness of genre sub-divisions within dance:
e.g. Happy Hardcore, Garage, Goan Trance, Brit-hop, Trip-hop,
Hi-NRG, Old Skool etc
- be sure to nod in time to the choon. Unless, of course, it's
pony, in which case grimace.
- mention at regular intervals that you are planning to holiday
in Ibeefa (a still-cool island off Spain.)
You must not:
- wear a whistle, white gloves or talk about havin' it or largin'
it. Once cool, these items and phrases are now terminally passé.
- suggest that the DJ is anything other than a god. DJs are
the new rock stars.
- die on the dancefloor. Wicked or kickin' moves are cool. Heart
failure is not.
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